I’m dissatisfied. Not super unhappy, not depressed, just dissatisfied. With playing in an orchestra. There. I said it. I’m not satisfied by playing in an orchestra at the moment. Is this unusual for me? A little. I usually manage to find the silver lining of even the most yawn-inducing orchestral service. But this season I’ve found it harder to cope. My defenses seem to be down – my internal Scotty in engineering is yelling “I’m givin’ her all she’s got, I canna give ya anymore!”, and I’m having a hard time dealing with all of the usual minor annoyances that come at one in the average orchestral rehearsal. I often get to this point once in a season, and it’s usually right around March, when the spring break is approaching like an oncoming garden snail, and everyone in the orchestra is just sick and tired of looking at each other anymore.
I’m not sure why it has hit me so much earlier than in other seasons. It could be that I’ve hit the age of mid-life crises for orchestral members – I’m starting my 15th season with the orchestra – and that could have something to do with it. I haven’t taken a sabbatical in my tenure, even though I could have qualified for two of them so far, but I can’t afford to have no income for an entire season, and we aren’t allowed to take partial sabbaticals. I’d probably be bored if I took a sabbatical anyway, and I wouldn’t be able to afford doing anything fun with one that would be interesting enough, unless it was working with another orchestra. That would kind of defeat the whole notion of why one takes a sabbatical, at least for me.
The orchestra is sounding great, so it’s not as though there is some artistic deficit that is causing me to feel ‘meh’ about the whole thing. We’re even going to Carnegie Hall this May, and that is definitely an exciting prospect, but it’s too far away to get me all fired up just yet. I have been doing a number of outside gigs that have taken a fair amount of time and energy, and those have been quite fun and interesting, so I can’t say that I’ve been entirely too busy. But I still find myself on the ragged edge of burnout already.
I know that there are a lot of people in the music business who read this blog, but who lurk and don’t comment or otherwise make themselves known to me. Here’s your chance to offer some sage advice: what should I do to get myself out of these early Fall doldrums? What has worked for you in the past? Do you have the same sorts of issues in your orchestral life?
I’d love to hear from you!
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23 replies on “livin’ la vida ordinario”
There’s nothing that makes the day-to-day orchestral life pale like playing Verklarte Nacht and the Grosse Fugue, and you are now paying the price for flying so close to the sun! My solution would be to play more chamber music (even if it is not for performance), and put more emotional stock in that than in your orchestral job. This is the way most people seem to get over the hump, but it tends to become habit-forming.
Elaine – what you say is true, and I’m about to start rehearsing for the next chamber music project, so that will hopefully get me out of my slump!
Charles, I’ve been doing my gig about 5 years longer than you’ve been at yours. Looking back, that’s about when what you’re describing hit me as well. I’m still struggling with it, but I think Elaine is on the right track. I think it’s also important to have things outside of music to invest yourself in. I know you do (the bicycling comes to mind), but maybe taking one of those things to the next level might give you some of the “this is new and exciting” feeling again.
Cheers
Thanks for the feedback! The cycling is a big part of my life, and definitely the rainy season and busier schedule have made it harder to get the rides in, and that is definitely part of the picture.
i had one seattle symphony friend who told me that he relieved some of what you describe by way of studying the scores – in detail – of what the orchestra was playing.
perhaps you already do this?
my old pal claimed that by knowing the details of the entire mechanism – savoring everyone’s micro world – he was able to find renewed stimulation & motivation for slogging through even the most mundane rehearsal moments.
you’ve got some terrific works coming up this season that would amply reward a conductor’s level of scrutiny:
brahms’ piano concerto II
debussy’s la mer
sibelius’s oceanides (was listening to that earlier today)
martinu’s symphony VI
bartok’s MOLTO FANTASTICO concerto for orchestra
dang it, now i’m getting excited!!
good luck, charles.
I have the same but completely opposite issue of yours. By day I do IT project management while playing viola is my off-hours hobby.
There are times about once or twice a year that I get either burned out or the “dull drums” from my day job. What gets me out of the slump is pick out some aspect of the project that I’m working on and figure out a way to work in what I’ve learned from my off-hours hobby. Recently for me that has been to group the project that I’m working on in “phrases” (vs. phases). Without going into horribly boring technical detail, it basically amounts to mapping out the interplay between the functional departments (sales, finance, operations, etc..), much like studying a score. Surprisingly, this approach actually helped solve some project issues as well as regaining enthusiasm in my work.
Perhaps there is something similar you could do to bridge your passion of cycling into orchestral playing.
Who doesn’t suffer occasional boredom or burn-out with any job? I think rehearsals can easily become tedious for a variety of reasons; sometimes conductor related with too much talking and interruptions, or less than inspiring repertoire, or both.
Today as I was listening to the Mozart Symphony in your lovely hall, I was really taken by the beauty, warmth, and camaraderie of the Oregon Symphony.
I hope this helps in some small way.
Thanks, Marjorie. Just in a strange headspace this year – came earlier and harder than other times – but I’m definitely getting a lot of ideas about how to get out of my rut.
We all come to realize that our life as orchestra musicians is not allways what we want to expect from our deep devotion to the art-form of music. I believe that the key is to find a fair balance between what you do for work and what you for pleasure (meaning music in both cases), and to get a balance that mixes things up. If duty becomes pleasure, it’s not duty any more. We have all experienced those days (weeks?) back when we were students, when we just did not want to practice any more and did not agree with the entire ordeal. Maybe we even considered giving up… And now, many years later, and way into the professional life of a musician, we are grateful for whatever power made us stick to what we treasure the most. Yes, it is hard at times. yes, you may want a break. And sure, you deserve a break, just so you are capable to recharge the batteries. I’m with Elaine on the balance of chamber music and orchestra music…
In the end I want to mention that savoring those precious moments, when all the effort and the pain comes together and we produce the magic on stage and we all, musicians and audience,share “IT” – that’s when I believe that what we are doing is not a job. Actually, i do not even care how we label what we do. It’s more than worth it….
hi carlos,
btw, thanx so much for all your wonderful programming over the years.
you’ve included many of my fave works:
walton’s 1st symphony
macmillan’s the confession of isobel gowdie
dutilleux’s metaboles
ligeti’s atmospheres
so, since you seem to be a sibelius fan, may i request an airing of “tapiola” sometime down the road? i love that work and have never been graced by a live performance.
can i bribe you with dried reindeer meat from finnish lappland? 🙂
thanx/cheers,
bob
Balance is key, and that’s what I’m struggling to find right now. As our lives move on, that balance point does change, and finding that new “right” place is what proves to be difficult, I think. I’ve got a lesson with my old teacher in March, and some great chamber music in the mean time, and hopefully some dry days to ride coming up, so things will be looking up over time. And to address your last paragraph – I do find the performances to still be rewarding, seeing how the audience reacts to the music we bring to life, watching/hearing my great colleagues work their magic as well, it does still make it worthwhile.
This probably won’t come as much consolation, but I think all creative types, regardless of profession, experience exactly what you’re going through just because there’s an unavoidable conflict between creativity (which by its very nature requires a steady stream of new discoveries and experiences) and the world of work (which is really all about doing the same thing over and over). So, you know, misery loves company.
In my newspaper days, I once had a boss who’d say, whenever any of us complained about work: “Of course your job sucks. That’s why we have to pay you so much money to do it. If it were fun, you’d do it for free.”
Hang in there!
Thanks, Carl – words to live by! 🙂
How about a taking a class in Chinese cooking or something in the visual arts like painting? Or both?
Or maybe a vacation – haven’t had one in 15 years…
Bingo! Man! You’ve got to take a vacation – two weeks minimum somewhere…
Teach beginners. I volunteer at a middle school and it is completely refreshing. Teaching advanced students doesn’t do it, too much like professional work.
Keep writing, Charles. You have a unique opportunity to share an insider’s experiences with the community. Those insufferably dull moments can be transformed into magic.
I’ll be reading.
I agree with Marjorie, Charles. As you know, I burned out “all the way.” You need more stimulation, and you are such a gifted writer. You should expand and expound on that. You have a distinct voice on musicians’ issues and you could reach a lot of people. I often wish that you posted more often!
Aside from that, you could volunteer — inside or outside the arts — it illuminates the bigger picture, emphasizes all that you have, and refreshes the soul.
Fondly, A.
Of the 6 billion people on Earth, do you realize how few have the privilege of playing in a professional, full size symphony orchestra? From the outside it looks exciting and it does give us concert goers immense pleasure. I am writing this to try to lift you out of your perspective, when is the last time you sat in the concert hall (not on stage) to take in the glorious sound you produce?
I second Mr. Bash’s suggestion. There is MAGIC in an adventure abroad. Being away from home far far away can make us feel out of our element, but in an invigorating way. Explore ancient historic sites: Angkor Wat in Cambodia, Knossos on Crete, Crusader castles in the Middle East. Go hiking in Peru or Switzerland. Just enjoy the food in Antwerp or Kuala Lumpur. Or maybe the beaches of Krabi, Maui. Vacations don’t need to be elaborate or expensive.
Charles,
I think many of the comments are excellent, particularly the ones suggesting an outside hobby. Many workers feel they are in a rut when they are not being challenged enough. Not sure if this might be the cause of your “ennui,” and clearly you have very little control over whether you are playing challenging music in the orchestra. You might think about ways to challenge yourself either in the field of music or in an outside area of interest. In music, playing chamber music and solo music is one avenue, but if composing or arranging appeals to you, that could be an option, or perhaps even learning to play another instrument.
Hey,
Hang in there buddy!!!! Your Blog has added so much to my journey to becoming a great violist.
Try a different genre of music… I started learning jazz and swing music on viola. Once a week I test my jazz “chops” at the local jazz wine bar. I also play with a fusion jazz/Hip Hop orchestra in Los Angeles. This opened the way I hear and play classical music. People laugh when I say jazz viola but the jazz violist in LA are blazing!!!!
I hope this helps. Last to keep myself in a positive place I always think “live life in the present”
Take Care,
Cliff