daily observations » 2006

my take on instrumentalist stereotypes October 25, 2006

Posted by Charles Noble in : the orchestra world, 3comments

I was emailing back and forth with a cellist friend recently about some common traits which we each had observed in cellists (more on that later), and it made me think more about the semi-humorous post of yesterday about the different instruments and their players in the orchestra. So, without further ado, my own very biased observations of my fellow instrumentalists.

THE STRINGS

If the orchestra might be thought of as a coral reef teeming with a variety of aquatic life, the strings can be thought of much like a school of variously sized fishes which move in unison in response to either good (compensation) or bad (glares from the conductor) stimuli. According to their size, with some exceptions, the various “fishes” move either with elfin grace and speed or with elephantine lugubriosity. Stringed instruments are frightfully expensive: a good modern violin by an esteemed contemporary maker can start at upwards (and I do mean upwards) of $15,000. A similar modern bow starts at around $3000. The “low-priced” range of instruments extends somewhere around $80,000. Above that, and you’re starting to get really serious. No wonder we complain (and worry for months) about getting our instruments into the overhead bins when we’re forced to travel by air for an audition or concert, eh?! That’s also why a string player will never allow you to “just move” their instrument and case out of the way for them, and why they take great pains to keep the case from getting underfoot at restaurants. A very good, lightweight cello case made of carbon fibre can run upwards of $2000 - 3000. Stringed instruments are very delicate for day-to-day use - they’re a complex working piece of intricate furniture, sensitive to heat, humidity and direct sunlight. The glue is a hide glue, basically just strong enough to keep the pieces of wood that make up the body of the instrument from coming apart, but also weak enough to keep the wood from splitting or fracturing when repairs necessitate removing the top to get into the guts of the instrument. Players often spend years finding just the right combination of instrument and bow that corresponds to their inner conception of their musical voice. We might have insurance, but losing and instrument means losing your voice, a one-of-a-kind expressive extension of one’s self that is ultimately irreplaceable.

The violins make their living playing in the stratosphere. If you’ve ever seen a seeing-eye dog’s ears twitch during a symphony concert (as I’ve done for several years) you know that they’re really up there! I’m sure that the constant high pitch, high volume exposure takes its toll on them. They seem to be easily distracted or startled by sudden noise and movement, which when you’re basically a high-wire act as they are, is entirely to be expected.

The violas like to call themselves the meat of the orchestra sandwich, which basically means that they like to hide under the pieces of bread rather than call too much attention to themselves. Violists have to struggle with an instrument whose range is forced into a sounding body of air which is perhaps 30 percent smaller than the acoustically appropriate volume. This makes for a constant quest for the ideal viola sound (which some would say would be the viola sitting in its case) and the distinct air of the absent-minded professor amongst violists. If you need someone to fix your computer, start with the viola section.

The cellos are an almost schizophrenic bunch. Since they have a comparable body of solo literature to the violin, they have a soloistic impulse almost from the get go. There can often be the element of the mysogenistic cello jock amongst the males, the inverse of which is almost unheard of in the females. On the other hand, they have a great love for the symphonic repertoire and are often very much into the historically informed peformance practice movement. They always seem to make each other birthday cakes, too. They have severe (and sometimes even legitimate) concerns about personal space for themselves and their instruments, which are often met with knowing looks and winks and smiles by the other string players, who wish that they could also just set their instruments on the floor rather than hold them up for several hours at a time.

The double basses are the lumbering leviathans of the orchestral depths. They play instruments that you’d think would be the most expensive in the orchestra, but are surprising bargains compared to similar vintages/makers of the other stringed instruments. This is made up for by their sheer size and bulk. Playing the bass with any degree of virtuosity requires the determination and agility of an athelete or acrobat, which is why so many bassists take the easy route. The bass section is where the first rumblings (pardon the pun) start when break time comes near, and one of their rooms on tour is where the best, most liquor-soaked party is to be found (not to mention the possibility of poker and strippers, not necessarily in that order). Bass players tend to be the philosophers of the orchestra, given that they often have so much free time on their hands.

The harpist is the glamour act of the symphony. Their instrument really is incapable of making an ugly sound, even if they hit the wrong pedals and play some chord in the key of Z-flat during La Mer. They often are musically paired with the flute, which seems a bit unfair, like putting hot fudge on top of dark chocolate ice cream on top of french buttercream on top of a super chocolate brownie. Actually, that doesn’t sound so unfair after all. They never seem to panic except when the conductor calls for a quick return to a spot where they have sixteen pedal changes - their eyes sort of glaze over and you see their feet frantically pushing pedals like a caterpiller Tour de France.
WOODWINDS

If the strings are schools of relatively neutral colored fish, the woodwinds are the smaller groups of brightly colored reef life. The flute is perhaps the most expensive other than the bassoon or contrabassoon, and can be made of silver, gold, platinum, wood, or a combination of any of these. Each type of metal produces a different characteristic timbre. Flutists are called upon to play perhaps more notes in a concert than any other instrument (watch them suffer along with the other woodwinds at the beginning of the Suite No 2 from Daphnis et Chloe by Maurice Ravel). They are often called divas or loners, but they at least have an annual national convention (unlike the violins) and seem to know each other all waaay too well.

The oboists have a unique problem: their instruments wear out after about a decade of use, and they have to regularly remake the sounding portion of their instrument - the reed - (sometimes during the course of a single day if the weather changes rapidly or if they travel to a different climatic zone) using age-old methods that differ only slightly from ancient alchemy. Because they never really know if their reed is going to cause them dreadful humiliation and self-loathing on a regular basis, oboists can be a somewhat neurotic bunch. They do often make up for this with a hard-partying offstage life, and I don’t blame them one little bit. English horn players are much like oboists, but they often have a cloaking device that allows them to maneuver through the tangles of orchestral intrigue like an attack submarine. For some reason, they almost never seem to complain about their reeds.

Clarinetists suffer from the fact that everyone seems to have played a clarinet in their high school or college marching band, and so how difficult can they be anyway? Try playing Petruchka and then get back to them on that one. Clarinetists seem to fall into the same category as the cellos - they’re either a mean jock or a really nice guy (or gal). They don’t quite get the same solo ops that the front row of the woodwinds get, and they don’t seem to really mind, either. They also have a number of variants, like the flutes do, but you basically don’t notice them until they’re gone.

Bassoonists are often referred to as the clowns of the orchestra. Whoever said that hadn’t met the bassoonists that I’ve met in my life so far. It might sound funny, but the bassoon is a bitch to play and sound good on. It seems like bassoonists are always flirting with the underbelly of the music world - they’ll know the next hot band before you get wind of it, they’ll have the latest pirated software, and they’ll always know where the nearest adult video store is located. Think about how much you’d like to hang out with a bunch of professional clowns, and that’s what it’s like with the bassoons.

THE BRASS

Trumpeters are a long-suffering lot. They get called various phallic names, they are accused of having huge egos, and no one wants to sit in front of them. All true - but they also play very demanding instrumental parts. Face it - if they screw up everyone in the tri-county area knows about it instantaneously. Trumpet players are the big sports fans in the orchestra - they’re basically like having the Green Bay Packers Cheeseheads in the back row. Packers and Red Sox and Yankees baseball caps abound in the trumpet section. They have the same passion for cheerleaders, too.

French horn players might be voted “most likely to implode” in the orchestra yearbook. They play a notoriously difficult instrument, but hey, they chose to continue with it to the professional level, so stop blaming the rest of us for that decision, ok? But seriously, the horn is a noble instrument, and has some of the most ravishing lines in the orchestral repertoire (4th movement of Brahms’ First Symphony, slow movement of Shostakovich’s Fifth Symphony, slow movement of Tchaikovsky’s Fifth Symphony, etc.) and boy do they know it! Playing the higher tessitura of their instrument really is like a tightrope act, and they’re worth all the kvetching they both give and cause.

Trombonists are by and large a mellow bunch. They play instruments that are often meant to be mellow, but are often pushed to the point of being sonic pressure threshold weapons. Violists in the back of their section have often remarked (with loud “what?’s and “huh?’s” and “what did you say?’s?”) to each other that it almost seems like the trombone section has entered a chainsaw sound-alike contest. Trombonists really are the poets of the brass section (ok, except for the bass trombonist) and they often can be found quoting Rilke and listening to the complete art songs of Hugo Wolf. They also know more about metal tubing than most plumbers.

The tubist is an island unto him or herself. They play down in the sonic basement with the double basses, but sit with the brass section. There are so few of them in the major orchestras (only one to an orchestra) that they’re virtually the only member of the orchestra that continues to practice for auditions well into their 50’s. They hold their job for a lifetime, and as a result often adopt the meign of the supreme court justice. They are often erudite and gentle and considerate, but also can belch the alphabet due to their superior lung capacity, and can bench press a small Japanese sedan due to the weight of their instrument.

THE PERCUSSION

Timpanists think that they, and not the conductor, control the orchestra. This is especially frightening because it’s true. A bad timpanist can evoke the phrases “bull in a china shop” or “sneakers in the dryer” as easily as a great one can escape notice for the sheer musicality of her work. Think of it: they’re the most emotionally evocative of percussionists. Who else can evoke nobility like the opening strikes of the Beethoven Violin Concerto, or pagan carnality and ferocity of The Rite of Spring? The rest of the mallet players strain to make themselves seem as musical as possible while still hitting things with sticks. Remember the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey? Percussionists who do gigs are always the first to show up and the last to leave - they have a whole U-haul of stuff to set up and strike for every rehearsal. I like to think of the principal percussionist as being like the company clerk Radar O’Reilly from M*A*S*H - searching for some rare Tibetan brake drum that he saw in a Berkeley pawn shop five years ago. Pianists suffer from having to play really exposed stuff while being stuffed in the place that is left over once everyone else has a spot to sit onstage. They’re a million miles away, sit right next to the bells of up to eight french horns, and get yelled at because they’re not playing in perfect unison with the inaudible principal bass solo. They are compensated for this by having 3/4ths of the season off at full pay.

the not-so-young-person’s-guide to the orchestra October 24, 2006

Posted by Charles Noble in : the orchestra world, 1 comment so far

NOTE: This was most likely written by an orchestral musician in dire need of a vacation and/or therapy. It’s on the dark side, and mostly untrue, but funny enough to deserve a quick read. CN
The Honest Person’s Guide to the Orchestra
The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are: the strings, the
woodwinds, the brass, and the percussion. There is also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This person with the ego that is bigger than some of the musicians is called
the conductor. It is generally believed that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. But never tell a conductor this, because they are easily offended. The conductor is necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another section. And as we know, musicians are quite serious about their food.

Why all the animosity?
Before I begin my explanation, let me set the record straight in plain English about some of the characteristics which typify the four groups.

String players are neurotic prima donnas who won’t even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. They are known to question the musical ability of the conductor. A string player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully … or often.

Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers who tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions — their instruments — so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a woodwind player is male or female.

Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone - with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.

Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians.
They are always male, or close enough.

Now, is it any wonder that orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section?

For the answer to this and other pertinent questions let us examine the individual instrument and the respective — if not respected — players within each section.

THE STRINGS

Let’s continue now with the real truth about … the strings. We begin with the string family’s smallest
member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It’s not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one — the door to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool. Violinists have such big egos that the violin section of an orchestra in Germany wanted their union contract re-written so that their section would be paid “per note played” instead of “per concert” as everyone else is paid.

The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don’t like to be made fun of and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They wear shabby clothes so that they’ll look as if they’ve just been dragged under a train. It works quite well.

People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its player’s considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis which won’t end until they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.

Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?

Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as hen’s teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind players into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right; harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.

Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.

THE WOODWINDS:

The Flute: Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won’t stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man or woman, makes no difference. The only thing that flautists need to use for birth control is their personalities. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.

Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world’s greatest reed. Oboists can’t drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and are intended to make them seem somewhat special.

The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines,
oriental rugs, and exotic sports cars. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don’t need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys– nobody knows why. Don’t ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinetists can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.

English horn players are losers although they dress better than oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.

Bassoon players are downrightsinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it’s
really hard to catch them at their game. Here’s an instrument that’s better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs — their only real concern — they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy. It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers — the instruments as well as the players — and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.

THE BRASS:

Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I’ll admit, though, they do look good when they’re all cleaned up. They’ll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They’re worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don’t think so.

Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and
perhaps don’t shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn’t hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don’t count well, but stay pretty much out of the way
anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It’s a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good lovers. This is true.

The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They’ll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren’t afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don’t miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn’t smell so sweet.

The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They’d give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting things to take in the bath with you. It’s a crying shame that there’s usually only one per orchestra. If only it could be different. They are simply the most fun musicians to hang out with. There was once an old joke that two tuba players walked past a bar. Although this theoretically could happen, such an occurrence has never been documented.

THE PERCUSSION:

And finally — the percussion. These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing
whistles and hitting things that don’t deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage.

Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertoire. Percussionists do have music stands and they do use them — to look at girlie magazines.

Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well want to, and it’s always too loud! Whole percussion sections can be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist. The ones who have a spark of decency and intelligence play the timpani.

Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play timpani pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he’s also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don’t practice — I guess they figure it’s bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert.

And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what’s on their minds … if anything.